May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically known for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally outside of area. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let us have another location wherever American Guys can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: supply Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he really should cease employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the venture, replied, "You know, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company may ponder vague disappointment




  • A Trump Tower Damascus duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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